The Rules of all Things...
Written by:C-Twizzy & PoonZ
HTML & Editing: PoonZ
-RED is for NEW RULES-
1.
a) If your dating a girl and she's a bitch to your friends no way are you gonna keep friends. Dump her.
b) b4 hoes is LAW, its understandable that you have a gf and want to spend time with her, but if it comes to a ultimatum between your friends or your gf because she refuses to be nice. There's no choice you'll be excluded from then on.
2.
a) If your a cheap mofo fuck u, get a job you useless waste to society.
b) There is no excuse for not having a job, stop depending on your parents for all your needs, cut the umbilical cord
you sissy
c) Working for your family is honorable, but only to a point. Working for free, or for slave wage is ridiculous, how can you expect your friends to take you seriously when your family doesnt? Grow some testicles and let your family know that you have no problem helping out, but that you expect to be compensated for your time spent, and that you will NOT spend 24/7 helping out as you have a social life as well. Any girlfriend or friend in general will see that you are easily pushed around by your family and will use it as the soure of jokes, or harassment, or as a way to control you.
3.
a) If you let your parents rule your life, your a pussy and deserve to roll over and die
b) Family is paramount, but being scared of your family is a trait no one wants to have, lying to your parents to do something simple like date, or go out with friends is PATHETIC, you cant run your own life, you cant run shit, waste of space...
c) If your lacking balls i do not want to associate with you, as i do not befriend newtered people
4.
a) If you dont drink I dont have time for you, your no fun: sober people suck and drag down a party
b) If you dont drink because your gf frowns upon it, either grow some balls, or go tie your self to a post and let people beat the shit out of you, you whipped pussy.
c) If you quit drinking, a written letter with at least 2 yrs notice is required, if your reason for quitting is unacceptable you will be in breach of friendship contract line 420 section c and will be forced to down mickeys of liquour (of the choice of the friend) until you
a. pass out
b. get liver posioning
c. die
d. submit and retract your letter of resignation from drinking
5.
a) If you cant drive and your above 20, your pathetic, this does not mean you have to have your own car, just that you are able to drive once in a while instead of being a dependant tard
b) If your gf drives you around everywhere, you need to reevaluate whos wearing the skirt in your relationship, and determine just how long your gf has had your balls in that vinegar jar thats sitting on the top shelf, thats just out of arms reach... sad sad sad...
6.
a) Taking offense to crude jokes, or hassling from friends is UNACCEPTABLE, and is punishable by more offensive crude jokes at your expense, to the extent of public humiliation
b) Its all in good fun and is not meant as a direct serious insult, so stop taking shit so seriously, bitch.
7.
a) No ugly girlfriends.
b) If you skipped by rule #7 without reading it in depth re-read until you understand, the standards for beauty are based on a scale of HOT or NOT you are allowed an 60:40 ratio minimum, the scales must tip in the favor of hot! chose wisely, flaws are for the weak
c) No girl you date should be uglier than yourself, as seeing as you are a friend of mine you are not ugly as we do not associate with the attractivly impaired, therefore your gf should be an extension of yourself, not a pain to look at
d) If your gf invokes vomitting, eye strain, or burning of the retanes, with a sudden urge to brown bag her, or tattoo a different face on her face, expect to hear about it
e) Encountering with ugly girls for sexual needs only, outside the boundaries of a relationship is only tolerated if you meet the following requirements:
a. single
b. severly drunk
c. Are developing a more than casual unhealthy relationship with your fav 5 ladies
d. When porn and life are clashing so hard your expecting porn plots to happen in real life; you expect the pizza girl to get on all 4's and beg for it.. tsk tsk
8.
a) Music is something we like and party to, not enjoying party music makes you a bore, you need to either put up and shut up, or leave our company.
b) If you listen to techno as your main source of music enjoyment, you should end your life now, you have no music taste I will quote a famous artist "No body listens to techno"
c) Jay-z sucks, period.
9.
a) The constant use of excuses for getting out of fun activities is a crime punishable by exclusion, no one wants to hang out with a boring pussy, fuck off.
b) Excuses acceptable: Death, injury(requiring proof), prior obligations, family obligations such as special events:birthdays, weddings etc see 9c, work see 9c, school see 9c
c)
1) Excuses not acceptable: tiredness: unless over the age of 65.
2) Family obligations such as aniversaries of your parents are not allowed, your parents do not want to spend the day with you on their anniversary, and no one believes you.
3) Your anniversary of your first kiss or some other un-neccesary special event with your gf is not an excuse, rule 5b) can also be applied here where neccesary. Work only when sheduled is acceptable, blowing off plans to show up to your job hoping for work is for social
retards...School exams and tests is acceptable within a period of 72 hours, saying you have a test next week as an excuse not to spend a few hours out of your house is bullshit, your not going to spend the next week studying, your gona waste time
lounging around, watchin porn see 7e) section d
10) Contemplating or making future plans of marriage with your disfunctional relationship partner, is a dumb idea, and you should ask a friends who still have their sanity to kick you in the nuts until you cringe and lose the ability to produce offspring, that is a privalige someone with your state of mind should not have.
11) Dispanding a friendship because your friend got the girl b4 you is insanity. Take the pain like a man, you either had no chance, or are too much of a pussy to get the girl yourself, get over it.
12)
a) Religion is tolerated and not frowned upon, others may have different beliefs and that is fine. Forcing your religions views on others is unacceptable, no one asked you too so STFU.
b) In circumstances where you think god is punishing you for being human and thus cower like a girl whos being beaten by a drunk boyfriend, you have gone fucking retarded. God is not punishing you for dating, having sex, drinking, eating select foods deemed 'dirty' etc. It is all in your head, if your religeon makes it out that certain things are wrong when they are a social norm, you need to evaluate your beliefs... god is not a dictator he is someone who is supposed to be there for you and forgive you.
13)
a) Loans from friends are accpeted and appreciated in times of need, or when you simply forgot your wallet at home or haven't been paid. Not paying back your friends generousity makes you a filthy hobo. Would you give your money to the bank and not expect to get it back when needed? NO so dont be a dick, pay back your friends.
b) On nights out or general hanging out in which a friend offers to pay for you, make sure you make a mental note to next time pick up the bill instead. Friends can do this stop being a cheap ass who ignores the little bill at dinner waiting for friends to pick it up. If you are uncomfortable doing this, pay for your own everytime.
c) Do not leech of others for drinks, when downtown or chillin BYOB, sharing is fine, but bumming and leeching is UNCACCEPTABLE, if you can not afford 12.95 for 6 beers you dont deserve to drink and have a good time, in which case you will be asked to leave the party as SOBER PEOPLE SUCK.
c-2) Unless you are the DD in which soberness is accpeted
14)
a) Return phone calls, if a friend takes time out of his day to call you, RETURN THE CALL. excuses like "I didnt get the message" or "my cell was dead" are not acceptable. if you didnt get the message shoot the messanger hes clearly not doing his job properly. If your cell phone is dead maybe you should charge it, or buy a new battery this excuse could be used maybe once in a very long while, on a regular basis shows a general retardation for technolgy; things run on batteries, batteries eventually run out, CHARGE THE PHONE.
b) if your friend leaves a message on a messanger service such as MSN/YAHOO/AIM/ICQ is it only curteous to respond, if you havnt spoken to a friend in a few days leave them a message, are you so lazy you cant type 2 letters H-I
c) saying you have 0 time is a bullshit excuse. There are 168hrs in a week, 96 of which can be claimed sleeping(8hrs a day), 40 for work, that leaves 32 hours extra, not having 10 mins in 32hours to pick up the phone shows that you have no need for friends. We hope you have a fufilled life as a loner, you seem to think your gf can keep you company forever...I can guarantee your gf/wife wont be happy with you as her sole company and will seek out other friends; pool boy, electricians, the cable/phone guy, boss from work who has been making advancements on her at christmas parties... sad sad sad...
15) If problems have arrisen between friends and is known between both parties an attempt should be made to fix the problem. Simply ignoring the problem hoping it will fix it self shows that you have the mental capacity of a 2yr old. If your house burns down and you leave it for 2 months, when you return is it rebuilt? NO, why should the beef be gone then also? Get a clue, if you dont fix the beef dont expect to have friends at the end of the day.
16) Making new friends is encouraged, but dont forget who your true friends are, dumping friends for new friends is something homos do when moving from 1 fag to another. Also hanging out with kids that arent legal to drink is dumb, no one cares how cool the kid is hes a kid grow up and find someone people your own age. As a general RULE OF THUMB, if you wouldnt date someome their age they are too young, AGE + 16 / 2 is a safe bet of if they are in your age group. This rule only applies if you are 16-30. No body wants to be R-Kelly or Celine Dion, so keep it normal... if they fit this they can be a friend
17) If you break-up with a girlfriend. Your never gonna be able to keep a platonic relationship with her. No matter how much you try. Feelings dont change, either cut off all contact with her or you risk screwing up things with ur true friends. In that case, ur a moron and should be shot for choosing a female over ur bros.
18) If you're in a relationship that's only physical get out now. Chances are ur ruining ur life, and the life of all around you. You don't wanna lose ur friends for just another piece of ass do ya. No I didn't think so, so drop the bitch like a bad habit before it's too late.
19) If you are angry about any of these rules/suggestions then realize that they probably hurt b/c they're correct. The Truth hurts and it is a bitch. There is no reason that your life can't change....
20) If your an indecisive S.O.B and go from Breaking up with ur girlfriend (giving ur friends false hope) to being even more of a bitch for her. Then you'll without a doubt be ignored forever. You've destroyed any respect for yourself which you might of had left. Which wasn't much anyway.
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